Victoria Levack

Hi everybody,

Well it’s almost Valentine’s Day or as I like to call it international sex day. I know this can be a difficult time for people so I thought I would answer some very what I consider to be basic questions about relationships and sex not only in regards to disability but just in general to make navigating this holiday a little easier.

Why is consent so tricky?

It’s only tricky if we decide to make it that way. People worry that if they come out and ask if you want to have sex that it’s not sexy. I beg to differ, true you don’t want to make it sound like a business deal but there are ways to do it that can be romantic. One of the things that I like to do is engage in sexting with the potential partner first so that I can understand kind of what they’re into and what they’re boundaries are without putting them in a position where they feel like they cannot say no. I believe people are more open and honest over the phone or Internet because talking about these things face-to-face can be difficult for some people. after all, scociety discourages us from talking about these things in public. I understand that you may not want to talk about it because a lot of people preferred to keep their sex lives private. However, it is my belief that if you are willing to be intimate with this person at least be able to talk about your wants needs and fears. I don’t know why it is that we are fine with sharing our bodies but not our emotions or desires. To me good sex is not about experience or skill but good communication if you have that everything else will fall into place.

Now I would like to point out that we put a lot of emphasis on verbal consent. Which for someone like me works very well because I have difficulty understanding nonverbal communication . What about If you can’t communicate verbally? Does that mean sex isn’t in the cards for you? Of course not! There are many ways people without The ability to speak communicate. It can be through sign language, a talking tablet or letter board Or possibly simple head/ eye movement to indicate yes or no. I’m sure there are other ways nonverbal people have found to communicate but these are just the ones I am aware of. It would be up to you and your partner to decide which way works best for you.

How do I ask a person with a disability out?

The same way you would ask a non-disabled person. Next!

I have difficulty or am unable to have penatrative sex, is my sex life over\ a pipe dream?

Absolutely not! In our society we have a very limited view of what sex is. If you ask people to define sex generally they will say something goes into a hole, most of the time a penis into a vagina. This leaves out entire sections of the planet. Not only lesbians but also people who are transgender and have yet to go to surgery, people with some sort of paralysis or if you’re like me people with muscle spasms that can cause severe pain. That is why I choose to define sex as any activity that causes sexual pleasure. For example, people who are paralyzed in the lower half of their body can develop other erotic zones in their body. I myself heard a story from a women about how she could orgasm if their partner touched their elbow. Some people can even think them selves to orgasm. How cool is that! In short I would say that sex and sexual pleasure can be available to all those who want it as long as you’re willing to open your mind and try new things.

I’m afraid that’s all I can think of at the moment. If you have any sex and relationship or disability questions you want me to answer feel free to leave them in the comments or if you prefer be anonymous, you can email or text them to me. I am also available on Facebook. All my contact information can be found on the contact page of this site.

Cheers,

Victoria

Everyone has a different relationship with their body. Most of us have things we want to change about our bodies. Some of you may want smaller tummies, thicker hair, differently shaped eyes or whatever else we choose to beat ourselves up about on that particular day. I struggle with this daily dose of bullshit but I also have a rather unique challenge. You see, my body and I, well most of time, we’re separate beings.

You see, due to this whole Spastic Cerebral Palsy thing my body doesn’t always do what I want it to. For example, if I’m late in the middle of the sidewalk on a freezing afternoon I really don’t want to take time to let a body spasm take its course. I know that if keep moving the faster I’ll get warm and ergo lesser/no spasm. My limbs however are not logical. Getting them to move can sometimes feel like trying to unbend steel or a thick branch. During these rather epic battles of will I find myself trying to reason with the troublesome bit. For example. If it’s my driving arm I may say something like, “Ok, I know you’re cold but the sooner you move the sooner we’ll be warm.” Strangely this approach seems to work more often than not. Unfortunately, it also makes me feel like a nutbar!

These inner dialogues follow me into the bedroom as well. Just because I’ve decided I want my partner to go down on me doesn’t mean my vice-like legs are going to let them. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes they do, but sometimes the little fuckers just don’t wanna cooperate. On those days, I feel more separate from my body then ever. On the days it does cooperate however I feel like we’re one, the pain stops and I don’t feel different or weird. I’m just me.

FAQs part 1

Welcome!