Everyone has a different relationship with their body. Most of us have things we want to change about our bodies. Some of you may want smaller tummies, thicker hair, differently shaped eyes or whatever else we choose to beat ourselves up about on that particular day. I struggle with this daily dose of bullshit but I also have a rather unique challenge. You see, my body and I, well most of time, we’re separate beings.
You see, due to this whole Spastic Cerebral Palsy thing my body doesn’t always do what I want it to. For example, if I’m late in the middle of the sidewalk on a freezing afternoon I really don’t want to take time to let a body spasm take its course. I know that if keep moving the faster I’ll get warm and ergo lesser/no spasm. My limbs however are not logical. Getting them to move can sometimes feel like trying to unbend steel or a thick branch. During these rather epic battles of will I find myself trying to reason with the troublesome bit. For example. If it’s my driving arm I may say something like, “Ok, I know you’re cold but the sooner you move the sooner we’ll be warm.” Strangely this approach seems to work more often than not. Unfortunately, it also makes me feel like a nutbar!
These inner dialogues follow me into the bedroom as well. Just because I’ve decided I want my partner to go down on me doesn’t mean my vice-like legs are going to let them. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes they do, but sometimes the little fuckers just don’t wanna cooperate. On those days, I feel more separate from my body then ever. On the days it does cooperate however I feel like we’re one, the pain stops and I don’t feel different or weird. I’m just me.
Victoria Levack 